Dear Little Ones,
I got a bloody parking ticket, despite there being a great big blue sign saying FREE PARKING, because I failed to display a ticket. Yes, OK, ultimately it was my fault but I was in a high pressure situation and the big sign saying FREE didn’t say FREE AND DISPLAY. Just FREE.
I will admit little ones it got me cross. Almost as cross as the silly bonkers grammar that the powers that be are making you learn at school. I think you might be better off worrying less about fronted adverbials and more about big blue signs that are FULL OF LIES. You won’t get this test at school so I’ve taken more time than is healthy for a woman of my age putting it together so that you too won’t find yourself in this situation.
Please do let your mummies and daddies take this quiz too. If it’s anything like the grammar tests they are highly likely to fail it.
Can I take this moment to apologise for the lack of consistency in the formatting. I had a choice – reformat the blog or drinking wine and watching Peter Kay. You lost!
SARAH’S SUPER REAL LIFE ENGLISH COMPREHENSION QUIZ
A local council decides to change some of the parking bays on it’s shopping high streets from pay and display to 30 mins free parking to try to encourage more people to use the high street. Chose the answers which will encourage people to use these bays more, shop more and bring more money into the local economy.
- A beautiful intelligent mother takes her 3 year old child to MacDonalds for a lunch time treat. Despite being amazing the mother is 1 hour behind schedule so the 3 year old is hungry hungry hungry wants to eat NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW or she will DDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. There is a big sign that says free parking. Should the mother:
- Walk the screaming toddler away from the golden arches, putting herself at risk of being eaten by the toddler, just incase somewhere on the machine it says in small letters that she has to print out a ticket to park for free?
- Read the sign seeing free parking, think Hooray (!) and walk off with screaming Ab Dabs as company?
Correct Answer: It should be 2. It should be 2. It should be 2. IT SHOULD BE 2.
2. Upon returning to the car the beautiful intelligent mother finds a traffic warden issuing her a ticket. Should she.
a. Kick him in the balls?
b. Point out the sign that says free parking does not say get a ticket to which he will agree, tell her to get a picture of the sign, shows her where it’s actually written on the pay and display machine in a small font and wish her luck with her appeal?
Correct Answer: Either is fine
3. When you write to let the beautiful intelligent mother know that her appeal has been successful and you’re letting her off the parking charge, should you then put the rules of the 30 mins free bays at the bottom of the letter revealing that residents are only allowed to park in a 30 min free bay anywhere in the borough once a day, thus revealing that there must be a secondary system of monitoring otherwise you wouldn’t be able to enforce this rule so if you’re doing that then why do we also have to print out a ticket which also cost bloody money.
a. Yes – she will be thrilled
b. No – don’t tell her. she was happier before she knew about this stupidity.
4. Are there enough traffic wardens on the street to simply make parking on high streets free without a complex system which is ultimately about protecting revenue collection for a private company?
a. Yes, oh yes.
b. We’re here to serve. Honest.
You’re all very clever so I’m sure you managed to passed the test. I did not. However my favourite part of this story was contained in the letter that came from the Head of Environmental services; none other than Rachel Lewis!
For those of you who don’t know my first born is also known as Rachel Lewis. As she’s only 6 I’m assuming she isn’t yet writing to me to tell me that she’s letting me off a parking ticket. However if that’s what she wants to do when she grows up then bring it on!