I was going to write a blog this week about how the man at the bank annoyed me. He told me that childcare was a personal cost rather than a business cost. I drafted a rant about his sexist behaviour. I bored myself. You don’t deserve such rubbish dear reader. I decided to write you something more meaningful. Something from the heart.
I’ve decided to tell you why I hate squirrels.
It didn’t start out this way. As a child I used to love them. I was lucky enough to do cross country in a wood that still had some of our beloved Red Squirrels. They are super cute little things. They would see a herd of us running towards us and they would run away. Simple as that. Clever squirrels.
I didn’t really encounter grey Squirrels until I moved to Leeds, aged 21, for my first job where I had a company car, my own flat, money, blond hair, a magnificent figure and no idea that my life was completely amazing. I lived on top of a hill and each day I would happily drive up past the parked cars. One day a squirrel ran across the road infront of my car. I pulled an emergency stop just in time to see him scamper off on the other side of the road. “Phew” I thought, heart pumping. “Thank goodness I didn’t kill the squirrel. I would have been distraught.”
The following day I’m driving up the same hill a bit slower and the SAME SQUIRREL ran out infront of my car again and scampers up a tree to go and join his mates. The damned Squirrel is playing Chicken!
By day three I’m driving up the hill so slowly that the car might actually start going backwards. So slowly infact that the Squirrel, who is hiding behind the wheel of a parked car ready to play chicken peeks out to see where I am. Cheeky little bugger. I pull up along side him, wind my window down and start lecturing the Squirrel “Oi you little sod, it’s not a good idea to be running out infront of cars. You’re going to cause a bloody accident!” The Squirrel trots across the road nonchalantly and joins his friends up the tree. As I drive off I swear he throws an acorn but his such a weed it gets nowhere near my car.
You see, they’re not little cute things. Clever cunning little sods trying to cause traffic collisions – that’s what they are.
I hate them.
My run in with Squirrels have continued throughout the years and I’m currently ahead in Sarah vs Local Squirrel. The horrible little sod kept digging up my lawn to bury his nuts. Lawns cost money! I had the lawn replaced with Squirrel proof astroturf which he can’t dig up. Yes, it’s extreme, but I’m winning. Kind of. The cunning little swine now digs up my hanging baskets and puts his nuts in there. JUST GO IN SOMEONE ELSES GARDEN!
He also worked out how to get nuts out of the Squirrel proof bird feeder. Basically smash it to smithereens and the nuts fall out. Hooligan.
He’s in league with the local fox I swear. That damned creature is obsessed with our trampoline. The Zip is broken so he can quite easily get in and out but no, he’s bitten a big hole in the net so he can get himself in and out when he fancies a bounce. Why do foxes like trampolines? WHY!
And ants…don’t start me. I spent 5 days putting sellotape over all the cracks on the floor where they were getting in. My husband was genuinely worried about me that week but I wasn’t going to let them win. Sarah vs Ants – Sarah won! Apart from I had a crazy looking floor.
I moved to the big city from a farming town to get away from the animals only to discover there where a whole load more here AND the animals in the city are way worse that than the country animals. In the country the animals behave. City animals lack etiquette.
We had a bird of prey in the garden this week eating it’s prey. Whilst the act itself was impressive what it left behind was a massive mess. If it keeps doing that then I’ll be adding that to the list of animals I hate too!
Anyway do keep bringing your children to my story workshops because I like them! I swear I’m not a psycho – honest!!!
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SARAH CANTRILL is a woman on a mission to inspire every young child to become a reader for pleasure. She is the Artistic Director & Founder of STORY STORKS, a social enterprise that delivers interactive story workshops to early years children and their grown ups, that help kids to fall in love with stories and develop their early language skills meaning that they have an easier time of learning to read when the time is right. Infact 85% of the kids who come through STORY STORKS are right where they should be or ahead in terms of progression through the reading book scheme once they get to school and the ones who are behind are trying hard because they know that it’s worth it – that to read is to unlock a whole world of fun and adventure and learning and imagination and they might take a bit longer to get there but they’re determined that get there they will.